when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
