Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
