So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
