I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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