Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i dont even know how to be here
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So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
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You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
