im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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