i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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