I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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