I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
