Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
