I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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