I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
