he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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