we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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