I accidentally burped into my bong.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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