Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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