I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
