I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
