Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
