last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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