You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
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i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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