It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
