My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
