walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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