I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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