My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
