whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
