but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
