shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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