I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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