my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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