is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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