So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Randomize
