I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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