Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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