why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
