Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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