My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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