What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
