He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
