I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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