Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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