I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
