I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
