i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
