I just pynch a tree in the face
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
