Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
