you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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