she smelled like a LAN party
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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