I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
