I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
