Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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