So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
