She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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