I just pynch a tree in the face
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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