Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
