Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
