Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
