Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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