Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
