We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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