Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
