i jhust puked up my retainher.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
