Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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