I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
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So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
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This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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